I demand Fruit Snacks

Let's pretend I was suddenly famous for being good at reading and people paid cash money to watch me flip through Vanity Fair for 2 hours, with running commentary on the ads and celebrity photos.

Fruit Snacks
I just really like these. Mostly just the lemon ones, and the orange ones make me want to puke so I would make a minion pick them out. Unless they had a Costco membership and could get JUST the lemon ones wholesale, I mean, you know, in an ideal world. Also in an ideal world there would be pickles.

Kashi Go Lean Crunch
Girlfriend needs regularity.

Make-up professional
I am INEPT when it comes to putting on eyeliner. Y'all want me to look good, right?

A posse
Because what could make me look cooler? I suppose the answer to that is, well, anything. I wear a blazer, a collared shirt and jeans every day. If I had my own group of rough ridin' tough guys with chains and diamond-studded teeth, people would probably holla RESPECK at me and I'd ever so subtly incline my chin in an acknowledging way, and they would whisper "Now, I wonder what her secret to success is?" And I would wink, and respond cheekily "Hooked on Phonics worked for me."

I say: Assimilate.

Are zombies like vampires, where if they eat you or whatever it is they do, they turn you into a zombie too?

If that's the case, we should just let them eat us and become a zombie population. We shouldn't be culturally chauvinistic just because we don't want them around. I thought we gave up xenophobia a long time ago. This is America, for Pete's sake!

Granted, I don't know what it's like to be a zombie, but I can't imagine it's a much worse life than for non-zombies. I guess the brains-supply problem would ultimately arrive, then we'd probably find a little stash of NZs (non-zombies) living in Vermont or something, round them up, breed them for their gray matter and avoid a Children of Men situation. Unless Clive Owen was one of them, then I'd intentionally enter into a Children of Men situation so I could chase him.

Think of the fun we could have though! Zombie frat parties, Zombie Starbucks, Zombie Yoga, Zombie summer camp. Christopher Walken would finally fit in! Rob Zombie could live up to his potential! M. Night Shyamalan would be forced to make romantic comedies to scare us!

Where do I sign up?

Practicality is Sexy.

Ok, so I'm walking across Surface St on my way to the Aquarium, for the Booze "Harbor" Cruise we went on as seniors. I strolled through Quincy Market to stop by Nine West to pick up the Kelley green suede heels to match my cute J Crew dress I bought for the Emmanuel College Senior Prom Ball Banquet thing. Where will be carpeting. And flip flops in my purse. And Brian's catlike reflexes to catch me if and when I tip over.

Anyway, crossing the street, I was trapped behind slow walkers. Slow walkers, with stick-straight hair, eyeshadow drifting into their hairlines, and lips so glossy crows were circling overhead. Walking slowly in their not-quite-yet-broken-in pointy toed, 3 1/2 inch heels. We head into the cobblestoned plaza of the Marriott Long Wharf, and one girl goes down. Her Best Friend tried to catch her. She goes down too. The two other girls, attempting to Save their Lives, squat down as decently as their Ace bandage skirts allow, and in the effort to rescue them, join the pile. One finally Gets It, and scrambles up, Choos in hand. The other girls lay there, appalled that she'd take off her shoes on pavement.

Like I said, practicality is always sexy.

COME ON DOWN!

According to this article, the flying car is going to be a Boston-based invention. It would certainly be useful, hovering above snowbanks and zipping over school buses and double-parked delivery vans.

I think I would probably just work on my psychic skills until I could channel the spirit of Ernie Boch, Sr. I think just about everyone in Massachusetts is familiar with the Ernie Boch Empire, and if that old goon and his slightly lamer son were to attempt to sell this car to us, we'd "come on down." I would then smash windshields to represent the "smashing deals" a la Boch Senior, and then have Junior's rock band (Erinie and the Automatics) play the theme song from the Jetsons (apparently he went to Berklee, who knew?). New Englanders would eat that up, and if it didn't work, maybe we could get Mike Lowell up in there too, driving a "Red Sox Red" flying car.

I like the idea of a flying car, but can you imagine the issue that road rage would present? Or airborne accidents? Debris and body parts raining over the expressway? New Englanders are notorious for their white-knuckle driving, and as a pedestrian, I'm not sure I want death to come at me from street level OR from the sky...jaywalking is hazardous enough, and helmets mess up my hair.

Why are these called bucket lists? Anyone?

Move to San Francisco
Because it's late March, and I am still wearing thermal underwear. Because I LIKE it when people are nice to me when ordering a bagel. Because I want to study the history of the American West, and you can't do that in the East, except at Yale, and who wants to live in New Haven? I also really like red wine, artichoke hearts, sourdough bread and walking uphill.

Recieve a PhD
Because I want to check off the Dr. box on credit card applications and magazine subscriptions. I also like public speaking, and teaching college is a good way to do that for a living. I figure that'll also keep me in school for a VERY long time, which is exactly where I want to be.

Learn to sew
H&M always has these cute, low-key wrap dresses that I always see and think "y'know, I could probably make that." Plus, someone is bound to compliment me on it, and then I can say, thanks, I made it myself. I feel like that would be pretty rewarding.

Drive cross country
I'd love to be free of the guilt that this activity would pile on me. All those carbon emissions. Buuut, I figure Brian will probably have to do it someday for touring purposes, and I've never been to the Badlands, and Brian also has green-guilt, so if there's anyone who'd do this the low-impact way AND invite me along, it's him.

Have a BFF
These things are hard to find. Yikes.

But, women aren't funny!

I wonder what percentage of people chose books by David Sedaris. WE KNOW HE'S FUNNY PEOPLE. I think he's a person beyond recommendation- on, you know, I've heard that Jack Kerouac guy is pretty great. That being said, listening to him read the essays on CD is even funnier than the book itself.

But he is not who I chose!

Rarely have I seen a wittier female writer. A collection of non-fiction essays about how working and dating and renting apartments and going home and revisiting old friendships and ALL THAT STUFF that sucks when you're in your 20s? Well, it sucks for everyone. Definitely a book for girls, I Was Told There'd Be Cake has a few of those moments where you want to email the author "and in chapter 2, where you bake the ogre cookie to look like your boss? OMG ME TOO!"

Reading this book gave me a bit of perspective on a number of new experiences i was having in life- working full time for a total MONSTER, going to bridal showers CONSTANTLY, wanting to tell friends HOW I REALLY FEEL about their downright AWFUL boyfriends, and helped me roll my eyes and chuckle smugly about these experiences. Not all of us want to see your new Mikasa vase, doll. We don't all want to pile our hands for a group engagement ring picture, especially because NOT ALL OF US HAVE ONE. And your boyfriend? Really do not like that guy.

Word up, Sloane Crosley. Word up.

They're O.R. scrubs. Oh, are they?

I watched this movie recently, and I can't think of anything funnier right now. Wes Anderson runs a little hot and cold for me, but man, i laugh at this one more and more every time i see it.

I saved Latin, what did you ever do?

On second thought:

Been thinking more about this one. So, I googled "as seen on TV" and apparently there's an official website for items tagged with that phrase (www.asseenontv.com). There are more ads for hair removal devices than just about anything else. I love the names of some of these things too- the image that "Slap Chop" conjures has NOTHING to do with vegetables.

I always think it's funny when I know someone who has a Bowflex, because those are only available through TV offers, right? And those are EXPENSIVE. And Chuck Norris talked them into it. Because he is so attractive and irresistible and mighty.

The other thing that I thought of that everyone has that originally had an infomercial is the Foreman Grill. Talk about living up to the hype, Lauen, Justine and I used one daily when we lived together, and Brian uses his giant one pretty often.

And do any of the ladies out there remember the Topsy Tail? It made some sort of weird ponytail twist thing that supposedly made a gal look JUST LIKE A PRINCESS! Seen here: http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/topsy_tail.html My hair was always too curly and thick for one of those to work, but man was that a LOOK for a while.

One more thing I must make clear. Kristen Surette would NEVER wear a bedazzled jean jacket, which is why she is having trouble with this writing prompt.

Plus 3.95 Shipping and Handling.

Our new Ronco rotisserie! by mamamusings

I haven't had TV channels since August, and before that had a DVR which eliminated my exposure to commercials entirely. Still, SHAMWOW and Snuggies happen to be SO ubiquitous that I know what they are. If SHAMWOW is so awesome, it should be sold everywhere. and Snuggies ARE sold everywhere, in the form of bathrobes.


I've never bought anything from TV except vacuum bags that shrink stuff down so you can have more space. I think i got them at Target, though, so i don't think it really counts. They work really well and keep me from having to mothball my wool stuff over the summer. Mothballs might be the smell of death, I can't STAND it.

I do kind of want those toe things, YogaToes. They spread the toes apart so that your arches don't fall. They're $50, although I just looked on Amazon, and found knockoffs for $10. My feet cramp like a MOTHER during any and all yoga poses, and fallen arches terrify me. Plus, they'd be great toe spacers for pedicures, so BONUS.

I kind of miss the days when infomercials were relegated to late night TV only. I've had many insomina-induced fantasies about a romantic roast chicken dinner with Ron Popiel.

Pooh vs Jaws

Beets. Bears. Battlestar Galactica.

Because there isn't a company called build-a-shark. I would just build a bear that could kill a shark. Maybe Bear Scissorhands or Poison Bear.

Jesus loves you more than you will know, woah woah woah.

Beats Tootsie by a nose.

Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me.
Aren't you?


Benjamin Braddock is one of the most endearing characters in any movie I've ever seen. He's got this false confidence, this then again, maybe not-ness that would infuriate me in real life. Also, Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World is his dad in that movie, and is walking around in high waisted swim trunks and an open Hawaiian shirt the entire movie. Mike Nichols, you genius.

I love cheese, but...

Mozzarella
I particularly hate it when Italians, or people with Italian pretensions call it MOOTZARELL. Fuck that. No one else calls croissants QUASON, so make like the French and be phonetic.

Boyfriend
I wish this word didn't exist. Or at least I was able to refer to Brian as my companion without people thinking he was my seeing eye dog or something. It's not like there are any alternatives- guyfriend makes him sound like a guy who is a friend; lover sounds too dirty to my east coast ears; babydaddy would just be a lie.

Random
Entirely overused, and doesn't have meaning. "Um like, he was this random sketchy guy at the bar." "And she RANDOMLY shows up pregnant!"

Both heard at work. Barf.

Moist
I don't hate this word, but i know everyone else does. MOIST MOIST MOIST.

Housewifery, Handylady.

I am really good at repairing vacuum cleaners. I fixed the belt on one at home when I sucked up a shoelace and it tangled the wheelie thing and it smelled like burning. I went to the hardware store all by myself, and told the guy what my idiot little sister did while she was cleaning (ha! i am also good at lying!) and he showed me where the belts were and i got the right one, bought it, unscrewed the Eureka ALL BY MYSELF and INSTALLED the belt, then get this: I PUT IT ALL BACK TOGETHER WITH NO SCREWS LEFT OVER.

Then, maybe 2 months ago, my own personal vacuum stopped sucking things up, even like, pencil sharpener shavings (oopsie). I took the ENTIRE vacuum apart, pulled out 5 years worth of hair, dust, flaked skin and whatever else I'm inclined to spill, and spread it all thinly across the carpet. Then, I put the vacuum back together, again, with no screws left over, then sucked up all the crap I pulled out of the hose and wheelie thing, and success! The suction on my Eureka Boss Pro 2004 edition was restored to it's original black hole vortex levels.

So when it comes to fixing vacuums, I am the expert. I am also good at untying knots, especially in necklace chains.

Keeps coming back for more.

Ride from his house to my house, sometime in late May, 2004.

If I'd known we weren't going to be best friends, or even speaking, 3 months from that moment, I'd have told him what I really thought about him.



Is it just me or did most people not have fun at their high school prom? Or in high school in general?

San Francisco is like heaven without the you're dead part.

I am so sick of the cold weather. Artichoke hearts come in EVERYTHING there. Berkeley is a fantastic school. Two Buck Chuck is actually $2 there. Everyone is nicer. Tennessee Valley National Park. Arnold Schwarzenegger would finally be the boss of me. The Bean Bag cafe. Recycle bins on every street corner. Of course, my friends, family and CVS are all here. But I'm willing to sacrifice all that for day trips to wine country and cheap happy hour bars, at least for a little while